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Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Educate me, someone... anyone. 

I need an education in logic. I need an education in reason. And I need an education in how to tuck away emotions and tuck away any feelings that I've ever felt - been afraid of because they may be difficult to identify, difficult to own, difficult to stand up and say "Fuck yeah, that's how I feel.", and difficult to wallow in. I have absolutely no idea how people do it. How do they not feel anything? How do they not want to feel anything? Is it a conscious choice? Is it some kind of skill that some other people just lack, or just don't get? Because I know some who can tuck it all away. Like it doesn't fucking matter. At all. But, pray tell, how do they do it? And is it even worth it? To teach yourself how to not feel anything?

I've never been able to compartmentalize emotions and logic. Feelings and reason. Irrational and rational. I feel myself slipping into loneliness when I try to ignore how I feel. I'm in self-inflicted isolation. Despair crowds my daily life. It's like a San Francisco fog that hangs heavily, abating only when outside forces banish it. And when it clears, there's a number of different roads to travel.

But why do you do that? Self inflicted fog that is pea-soup thick. What good does it serve? I'm asking. Genuinely.

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