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Saturday, May 13, 2006

Chapter; closed 

Thursday, I went to work and upon being let into the office by a burly man in a black suit, was handed a closure notice. I am now in the ranks of the unemployed.

Ironic, considering my last post.

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Scratch my back 

I keep re-writing this post. I've been writing a new post on my blog for months now. I start, and then I just stop. I get going, I write something of less than any kind of meaning and then I delete it. I throw words into the grinder and work it over for a few minutes, and then I find it less than appealing.

I keep starting from scratch.

So many parallels that can be drawn from every failed attempt have been drawn. But the beauty of the blog post that I keep intending to post is that I can just start from scratch. I can throw it away and start all over. My very own tabula rasa.

What a wonderful feeling it is to start over. It's cathartic. It's exciting and promising. It's bewildering.

The day before I moved to Europe, I spent the night with my brother and my best friend. We stayed up all night babbling about nothing that I can recall. We played video games and made silly jokes in commentary-esque voices. And when I got here I, well I just stopped being what I was for the entirety of my life. I lost my sense of, I don't know. My sense of myself or of my sense of companionship, maybe. I found it really hard to find people that I could talk to or people that I could even be friends with. The entire point of me moving was to see something new, to see how the other half lives, if you will. I wanted to experience something that I just couldn't get by staying in the States. I wanted to be awed, and I wanted to be wowed. And I was. I am, even. A lot of things still amaze me here. I'm still baffled by the beauty of the city in which I live. I still love to see the city in all of the seasons and wander about with my jaw agape. I find myself taking taxis or trams or buses and staring out the window in wonder at the fantastic and beautiful sights in the city. I love work everyday, despite moments where I may cry the contrary, and I like what I do tremendously. I completely enjoy the people I work with and that I get to work with people that have a fantastic sense of humor and seemingly unending patience on most days. I can't imagine myself working on what I work on with a different bunch of people. I really can't. It really is bewildering.

But I'm just feeling like I'm not excited about my life anymore. I feel like starting me all over from scratch.

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