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Monday, August 02, 2004

Lifelong Dreams? 

So before I begin my rant about the Catholic Church, let me sum up my dream from last night.

Imagine you're me. Just for a second. It won't be bad, I promise. And you're in this dream world, right. And you are watching the following scenes through my eyes and with my own "in-my-head" commentary. So you're hiding in a high school gym, in the corner of the gym, behind the corner of the bleachers. There's those fluorescent lights that make everything ultra white, the walls are white and there's a horizontal band of a medium blue all the way around the gym on the walls. Tall ceilings - the normal gym height, so unbelievably tall. There's a basketball hoop at the end of the gym where you're hiding, and one opposite, but amazingly enough, they're kind of roped to the ceiling, so the backboard is horizontal to the floor and the baskets face the ceiling. You think, "Why'm I hiding behind the bleachers?"

Now, the gym part isn't where it goes weird. And yes, you're hiding for a reason. Imagine Uma Thurman, dressed in, get this, a hot pink pant/jacket outfit. And by hot pink I mean the girl is sizzlin' hot and sexy. Really. It's got a blue band of some kind of fuzzy stuff across her midriff. (What??) And she has white plastic gogo boots on - without heels. (Huh?) You think, "Damn, I should get myself a pair of those. I'd look way better than her." Now, not only is she decked out in the height of fashion, but she's carrying a sawed off shotgun. With unlimited ammo. (I swear I haven't played an FPS in a while. I swear.)

Uma's pretty good at shoot dodging, better than Max, actually. Or at least she looks cooler sliding across the gym floor (which were always pretty easy to get good slides going so maybe it's not Uma that's so good...) than I imagine Max would. It might be the outfit though.

So we have Uma pretty solidly imagined. Now there's Queen Latifah. Right. Her outfit is much more downplayed and subdued. Classic chic, if you will. A black outfit something similar to this. Except her pants are normal. She's armed with dual handguns, of which I don't know the proper name, but they're pretty badass and also unlimited ammo. Somewhat as effective as handheld canons. You think, "Oh dear god this is gonna hurt." She's not as good at shoot dodging as Uma. But she can somersault! Roll, baby. Roll!

They're in the middle of a shooting dodgeball kind of fight. They kind of skid, slide, roll and shoot around the middle of the basketball court. In a circular kind of fight fashion. Because it's kind of like a wrestling match, right? So you think, "Well this might get a little dirty and slippery if they actually shoot each other." Then Uma proceeds to kicks Queen Latifah's ass. It's ugly. But there's no blood in the gym. You think, "Creepy." Then you're magically transported from hiding behind the bleachers to the hospital hallway, just outside the gym with double swinging doors that lead back into the gym diagonally from your hiding spot. There's little windows at the top of them where you could conceivably see anyone walking through them, but since this is dream world, no one walks through doors. They merely appear. Queen Latifah is singing "Push me and I'll push you back" over and over and over and over while laying on a gurney and covered to her belly button with a what-used-to-be-white-bedsheet-but-is-now-all-red - missing both of her legs no less.

And then... Uma walks into the hallway and spots you looking at Queen Latifah and while pointing at you with her sawed off shotgun, says, "You're next."

Magic dream teleportation yourself into the gym and imagine you aren't wearing anything like Queen Latifah (Thank christ!) and are armed with water guns. Uma's traded her shotgun for nerf guns. Right on. She says, "This'll be way more fun!" Sarcastically, you think, "Oh totally. Bring it on, lady in pink." And when she winks at you, you wake up.

I promised it wouldn't be bad. I lied. Bad me.


Catholic Church rant later. I hope it'll be less frightening.

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