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Friday, May 07, 2004

Total stream of consciousness - or subconsciousness. A bit of word association thrown in there for fun, as well. Makes no sense to probably anyone but me, which is good since I'm probably about half of my reading audience anyways.

I overreact. I'm defensive. I latch onto the idea that someone is ridiculing, placating, blaming, persecuting (etc. ad nauseum) me when all they want to do is get me to hear something they're saying. To listen. And then I jump at questions - answer without putting a huge amount of thought into the answer. Then think about it for a while and sometimes have a totally different answer. And I also get scared that the end of the conversation will result in not only the end of the conversation but the end of the opportunity to have conversations with that person again. Ever. (Must work on this. A lot.) Which puts me into a really fabulous state of mind when what I'd benefit most from is listening. And not ruminating, just really listening. And not jumping to answer questions before even considering how I really feel about the questions. And not disallowing someone's opinions, viewpoints etc by being defensive or hurt. And not twisting words into something that hurts me, but only in my own mind... And not wanting to leave because I just can't take it. Because I can. And I don't really want to leave, but I just don't want to keep saying things that make the situation worse. I feel trapped because I think no matter what I say it'll just be taken wrong because I'll be too clumsy to be able to get a point across, but I can't sit there and not say anything - what does that say? - and I can't up and leave - that says something entirely different than being silent, but neither is worse nor better than the other. And both would not take the situation into a good direction. So I struggle with myself to figure out what to say and what's the best way to phrase it so that it's not totally fucked up and clumsy and stupid, but I'm too sidetracked with being defensive and worried and scared that it just goes to shit anyways.


So how to fix this.... The defensive and insulted part bothers me the most because it precludes me from productivity, in a way, and it overrules everything else that bothers me. I think the approach is to take more time to think about what people say. Listen to them, actually hear what's being said, and try like fucking hell to not take it as a personal attack. (Not a terribly bad idea, I think.) And beyond that, I think it would probably behoove me to not answer questions with first impulse answers. I think that actually has a chance of working out.... Perhaps, I should also put a little faith in people. And not freak out and imagine them running away. All the time. Probably also not a terribly bad idea.

Segue to less intensively personal discussion.

Sometimes I have to wonder, what the hell is wrong with some people? Apropos... Interesting discussion over coffee today about sex and violence. Would like to summarize and further discuss - alone on the blog, but I'm having a hard time summarizing it in my head. Intriguing topic.

Have Dave Matthews Band and Blues Traveler's version of Gin and Juice in my head. Which is better than having Backyard Babies and Me First and the Gimme Gimmes (at the same fucking time!) on my mental play list... for 3 hours.

Since there's sunshine outside - although it's 18.30 - I have to get outside and spend some time in the fresh air. Hope it stays nice for the weekend! Really want another relaxing and good weekend.

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